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I checked back thru some email correspondence and found this
from Spring 2004….
"The more time I spend in Brazil, the more time I want
there. To try to cut a long story short, I wasn't sure if I should
go back this year. I'd lost my 'connection' with Ricardo. It was
about lies, money, a lack of trust, a lack of faith, a lack of
action, and a surplus of meaningless words. I had come to realize
I was in love with Rio itself, and that however awkward my relationship
with that guy had been, still
that's where I wanted to be. But it was my determination to stay
totally on my own this time and find new paths. If I could just
stay independent and lucky I thought my chances good for having
fun."
But lightening struck: my path crossed with the path of the
guy of my dreams, soon after my declaration of independence i
was into a relationship of another sort and Brazil has never been
better.
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March 14 2006 - Rio de Janeiro
Now, feeling at home in my studio here and looking back from
the comfortable perspective of my seventh stay I wish I could
convey the appeal of the city in a way that would make the pleasures
of Brazilian culture seem ultimately more satisfying than the
aspects of sexual tourism. But for me both have been equally appealing,
and i've no regrets for enjoying the feast for the eyes and the
senses. Many Brazilian gays consider Americans repressed sexually,
cold and selfish-and to be honest i was a bit. The expression
is that we 'morde y assopram" which roughly translated means
we bite and then blow off, i.e. an intense moment and then thrown
in the trash. But when demand exists the market supplies. Sexual
tourism is a business that many Brazilians want no part of it.
Stirred into the stew is the Church's 'success' in the USA, making
sex less of a mutual pleasure and more a social responsibility
or damnable sin. Here repressing sexual behavior is like forcing
everyone to the speed limit on the Interstate- it's not going
to happen. American media gets maybe 2 stars out of 10 in creating
American idols sexually or otherwise 'adjusted'. And our television,
with it's gay survivors and queer eyes for strait guys pales compared
to the open display and enjoyment in the variety and difference
of others and in its failure to communicate social/medical information.
And as for the fire under the pot, our government of disrespected
and/or unrespectable politicians year after hopeless year fails
to ignite progressively on issues related to sexuality, health
and social information, human rights and legal permission and
protection. But nevermind all that, the typical American tourist
arrives hoping for a good time while not getting a disease, while
the government here is warning Brazilians that to be careful of
the germ-carrying tourists. And the world goes round.
Even here in Brazil there are therapeutic groups for those trying
the abstinence approach our AIDS 'experts' advise. Gilson has
volunteered his psychological services and says one word describes
best the participants- depressives. Little in the Brazilian culture
supports this self-denying approach to life.
Artistically and spiritually Brazil is a perfect complement to
my life in North Carolina and my Brazilian love, a guy special
beyond my imagining, is the icing on the cake. Speaking of cakes,
yesterday was my birthday. I did my workout and dance class at
the gym and the group there sang happy birthday to me. It's my
second year of class and being the oldest guy in the room and
in two years not one of those cute kids has asked me my age or
treated me as 'different'. Actually, in the seven years I've been
coming here and 'participating' no one has ever asked me how old
I am or implied that age matters. Imagine, if you're American,
that!
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