July 2005- Post Card from Hell

Abdullah is a name given to a Muslim boy, meaning servant of God.

Some of you may not know that I lived by the Mediterranean Sea in Lebanon a year or so and was a show dancer there. Just a few weeks after my boyfriend arrived from Sweden I had a big run-in with the management of the Casino where I was performing and they threatened me with deportation. Being my usual spunky self I grabbed my passport and headed downtown to get an extension as a tourist added to my work visa, so they couldn't kick me out until I was ready to go. At the Visa office there were five or six different windows at which to apply - a window for regular tourists, a window for government workers, a window for menial laborers, etc. I was directed to the last window - the sign, printed in both Arabic and English was 'Artists, Entertainers and Prostitutes":-) Any male in that line had the awareness that even they were discrete enough not to list 'Homosexuals' as a separate category, but it was assumed if we were in that line. What impressed me the most was what a cool group of people were in my line and how nice the official was to us. We all got our visas stamped with no hassle and were welcomed to stay however long we wanted.

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Ulf and I had wonderful friendships with lots of Muslims, male and female, young and old, and we rented an apartment on the roof of a Muslim household. All of us bounced around in the local buses together and sweated stuffed together in the communal taxis, worked out and cold water showered at the Beirut gym together and ate the same delicious food. In the Palestinian camps desperation grew, but no ill will ever came our way. And yes, when Ulf left me and went back to Sweden, I had sex with some of those guys too. But Truth be told I was somewhat a snob (being the lead dancer in the then-largest Casino stage show in the world) and played hard to get when I should have been more open to the invitations and one of the few regrets in life I have is that I didn't have more sex then and there than I did. Now as then I like Arabs/Muslims a lot and in my heart there is much concern for their well being. Now Religious Fundamentalism there is as it is here, but at that time we swam in a warm sea of tolerance, mutual respect, understanding and horniness, not knowing that even then the tides were changing. The oil tar stuck to the beach pebbles and then to our feet was an omen of bad things to come.

But I did know where I stood then and would stand today in government bureaucratic lines both here and in that part of the world were my thoughts transparent. And that parallels how my Muslim friends are in their lines; except for them it is so much sadder. What's going on today is ruthlessly tragic and it hits me hard knowing that wonderful water we knew can't be entered again.

I am melancholic about today's news as is Abdullah. But all I know to do about it is continue as before - try to outwit an oppressive management and live life as best I can, and that usually means being true to oneself and others, laughing with friends and lovers and being lucky or smart enough to avoid the traps of bullies and liars and psychopaths.

If there is a Paradise as promised, I have to think the waters there would be clean, safe, inviting and equally open to all. A God that provided that would indeed be a God worth serving, assuming of course, once thru those pearly gates you, like me, know how and love to swim:-)